Tiring Times
Recently I have been really tired which can be a bit of a pain but I am going to try to not let it get me down. The thing is life is pretty good at the moment, I am feeling good about things and I have been keeping very busy and my mind occupied. The page has been going great and new members joining all the time and lots of really good interactions. I had a telephone interview last week with a lovely researcher from: http://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/ which has also got new people coming along to see my pages which is great! The Mental Health Foundation posted links on both Facebook and Twitter so I am a very happy bunny. 
I have been having a bit of a tough time as usual with the one I am caring for, same old really but I am not going to let that get me down either. I really try my best to help him at all times but sometimes he doesn’t want to listen and he is having the same old mood swings. Last night he went to his own place which gives me a bit of time and space to myself so can’t complain.
I have been doing a fair amount of exercise recently which is making me feel better also. I have been trying to work out every other day and I notice a bit of difference. Earlier in the year when I was training for my 1/2 marathon I didn’t seem to lose much weight but I was still coming off the anti-depressant’s then. So hopefully if I keep this up then I will lose the weight I have been wanting to lose some and this will make me happier again.
I had my supervision yesterday for the voluntary work that I do, all went well and got treated to lunch again, lucky me! I get on really well with my supervisor and she believes in me which is something that keeps me going. The voluntary work that I do, including this blog and the new fan page also keeps me going, lets keep it like this, onwards and upwards…. :)
Under The Weather
The past week has been a tough week, lots of stress and a fair amount of anxiety. My nerves have also been playing me up and that is due to the fact that I used to drink a lot. Some people alcohol damages their liver but it my case it went to my nerves. I have been getting a burning sensation going my left arm for quite some time and also a bit of vertigo. I can be standing still but feels like the room is swaying sometimes, which isn’t that great. I saw my doctor a couple of days ago and he told me it’s all part and parcel of my past lifestyle. I was told to keep taking my vitamins which will eventually help them heal which is kinda frustrating. Guess I was hoping for a magic pill to make it better but unfortunately he couldn’t help so have to put up with it. Another doctor once did give me something for it but in fact it made it worse so will see how I go. I did do some reading online about it and funnily enough one of the tablets I did stop some time ago helps with it and maybe that’s why I am getting it now. The question is; do I want to take the tablets again as they have side effects that go with them as well? Having this the past few weeks has been making me over anxious and I don’t like it when I get anxiety but know how to bear with it better now. Anxiety is horrible, especially when you first get it and think that it’s a lot more serious that it is. Still not great getting it now but I am finding better ways to deal with it so makes it a little bit easier.
I have not been feeling that well since last Thursday either as my throat has been sore and now I have some kind of buy. I have had a good run of not being well so I guess at some point I was going to get ill which has happened now. The night before last I felt so bad I took some painkillers before I slept but then I had a very strange feeling when I woke up during the night. I didn’t feel that great yesterday and this morning I have woken up and I have a runny nose so it’s all a bit boo!
So the last few days I have been trying to take it easy and be kind to myself and eased up on the exercise also. I know this will pass and the anxiety will dissipate and I will be back to my old self once again. One thing that make me smile is the fact that the Facebook page is still growing all the time, my hard work is paying off.
Realisation
Today has been a good day for me and I have realised a lot of positive things. I went to see my councillor this morning and we talked a lot about my life and how things are moving. I mean a few weeks ago I was really feeling down and pretty hopeless, now I am feeling much more positive. Somehow I am learning to use all the tools that I got from my therapy and something stops me going back to my old behaviours. I mean if things got hard, the depression was coming then I had an old and unhealthy way of coping. The last few months in general haven’t exactly been easy for me but one thing I have done is fight. For any sufferer reading this then you will know how hard it is but if you put your mind to it you can actually change your ways, there is hope.
I have been working hard on my new page and it’s already paying off, with some influential people joining also. I am hoping to build on the page and it will be a place for people to come, join, support and share. I like focussing on my pages as it keeps me busy and I am doing something positive. I have posted lots of my own pictures on the page and have mas
tered the art of Facebook, until they change it again, lol.
My legs were still sore today from my workout but hoping to do another in the morning. I have been suffering a bit of anxiety recently so I know that any exercise will help. I have had so many panic attacks over the years that I am learning to manage them too. I actually able to see a future in my life rather than a hole that is swallowing me up with no hope. When I have a craving for a drink in the evening then I just choose to make and hot chocolate instead. I think about all the things I will be able to get done the next day rather than not being able to get up.
I have been a Dj and have played all round the world but that doesn’t really bother me now, I am happy for the simple life. Plus too many fake people out there talking rubbish and making promises they can’t keep. Being a PD sufferer, we are very sensitive so it’s good to have some stability in your life rather than let downs and carnage.
I am starting to feel more comfortable about myself and my life and take each day as it comes. I am still a bit of a stress head, lol, but who wouldn’t be a carer and having a two people’s live’s to run. I am trying to keep as busy as I can so my mind doesn’t go into over drive or thinking of things that will only bring me down. As I said earlier I am looking at working out more which will make my mind more clear. On that note need to get some rest so I don’t have an excuse not to do it in the morning, he he.
Crumble
Once again time has flown by and I have not been on here to write. I have been keeping an eye on the world as it crumble’s away before us. I had already seen smaller Earthquake’s in Japan before the big one hit as I had been keeping an eye on my Earthquake’s map. I can’t believe how sad it was and the amount of lives that has been lost is just crazy. In my last post about strange happening’s I talked a fair amount about stuff I have been looking into, well I have looked further since. I am not going to go into it though as a lot of it is conspiracy but as far as I’m aware you can’t always believe what the media tell you.
Now were off to war @ £2 million pounds a day, like were not already in enough financial difficulty!! I do a lot of stuff from home so it’s easy to keep an eye on the news which tells you about events as they are happening. Mind you seeing the American’s using the B 2 Stealth Bomber was a pretty amazing site, the jet is just incredible. Get’s you thinking though, if they show us a jet like that, can you imagine what they are not showing us!!
On a more positive not, I DID run my 1/2 marathon for charity and I did finally get over the finish line!! I must admit it wasn’t easy as I didn’t train a lot the last month as I have been injured and ill with possible gall stone’s. So that in itself was a huge achievement and I am so pleased with myself that I did it. Not just that but the day is amazing, lots of people on the side of the road cheering you on or saying “keep going” which did keep me going. 
Now onto life at the moment, still been doing a lot of thinking, trying to think about what work I can do or whether to set something up for myself. Nothing better than being your own boss as no one to answer to then, he he. Having a bash at giving up smoking and also trying to stay on a positive note. I will fill you in when I have made all my decisions but for now time to get on………….
Strange Happenings
Well it’s been a funny old week to be honest and lots of strange happenings, happening all around us as we speak. First there was the sighting of what seemed to be two suns in China, the earthquakes and now the fish. Millions of fish have washed up in both Australia and America, apparently oxygen starved and the water being too warm for them. I have been keeping an eye on the Global Earthquake map and they are happening all the time especially near Japan, America and Alaska. Without all that, there is the civil unrest in Libya which is ongoing and whether us and the Americans are going to go in and enforce a no fly zone, all a bit worrying!
I have been fair bit of reading the past week and watching a lot of videos and a lot of people think that Nibiru (planet x) is heading towards us and causing mayhem. I looked on Google sky last night and Sirius (the brightest star) as somehow been edited, is there something they don’t want us to see?? I have seen video footage of tanks being taken by train across the US and read stories of FEMA buying up a billion dollar’s of freeze-dried food, what are they expecting?? The moon is meant to be really close to our planet next week which is also meant to cause a lot of problems too. So it all sounds doom and gloom really but the thing is the evidence show’s that strange things are really happening at the moment.
I haven’t been feeling great in myself either, my back hurts a lot between my shoulder blades and sometimes still getting shoulder pain from what the doctor thinks is gall stone’s. I am finding it hard to train and I am meant to be running a 1/2 marathon soon but it’s not looking very likely at the moment. I have a scan next week to find out about the possible gall stone’s so then I guess I will know some more. Waiting for results as we all know can be a horrible and worrying time and I have had quite a few tests done recently!
On a happier note my kittens are getting on great, they both get on so well now and bring a smile to my face when I get up. I love watching them chase each other around and play fight, it’s just so funny. The pair of them are in Sync also which is funny, they eat at the same time, sleep, clean themselves and so on… the joy!
Oh and I seem to be getting lots more its all the time so I must keep coming on and writing…
Pain
I have been in a fair bit of pain for most of the week so no training has been going on. It makes me feel a little sad as my training is what make’s me feel so much better and I have to ease off of it for a while. Going to watch what I eat as much as I can and try and drink 3 cups of green tea per day. I am trying to lose some weight you see and without all the exercise I’ve been doing then I am not going to get anywhere. I have completely stopped one of my medication’s now which I believe is partially to blame for my weight gain. I guess only time will tell if that was the main source of the problem but I am hoping that it was.
I said I was going to pamper myself this weekend but so far I have only had a go on my shiatsu foot massager. Mind you it’s great, it’s electronic and heats up with infra-red and after you feel so much more relaxed. I have stayed in mind you and took it easy because of the pain and I have spent some time looking for new cars. I can’t really make my mind up what I want, apart from small, economical, but one that look’s nice too. As I said before if I do change car then I am really going to miss my little one. 
So to add to the pain, someone I’ve known for a long time from the past told me today that he’s going to be a Dad in April. Bit of a kick to the stomach and a bit of a long story to explain but was pretty gutted to hear the news.
Got a fair bit to do this week so should keep me nice and busy, just hope it isn’t too long till I can have another workout.
So all in all I hope this week is better than the last as I’ve been on a bit of a good roll recently and I have been happy with the balance.
Brighter Days
Things are still really good at the moment so I am happy to say that I’m not complaining. I have been so busy what with my PD course, voluntary work and then looking the one that I care for. I completed my course last week so really pleased that I can start doing some training soon. I went for a meeting at my Psychotherapy service today and had a chat with my therapist before we started about how it all went.
The meeting went well also, we all had to give our feedback about how we found the service and the one thing that we all agreed is what a good service we have all had. Some area’s are not so lucky to have such good service’s but hopefully after the feedback then other area’s will get the PD service they deserve and are entitled to.
I also had my monthly supervision this week so had a good chat about things that have been going on recently. I was lucky enough to be taken for lunch also so that was nice after the long drive to Kent. Mind you next time we are going to try it on the telephone, going to be strange… but will see how it goes.
Things in general are on the up and that in turn makes my days brighter… in 2008 I was hardly functioning and now I am really busy doing so many positive things… Happy days
PS – need to do another training session, not long till my half marathon now…………. :s
Insomnia
Well I’m back, early in fact as I didn’t think i’d be writing today but after looking at my stat’s it make’s me happy that people are reading my blog and the amount is growing.
Last night I really didn’t sleep well and sod’s law I knew I needed to be up nice and early for day 2 of course today. I can’t blame the cat this time as she was really well behaved last night, I just was half awake some of the night. Still I don’t feel too awful this evening and hopefully I am going to get lots of extra Z’s tonight to make up for it. I am still reducing my medication very slowly so it’s more than likely that but I think the overall outcome in the end will be good.
So yes, day 2 of my course today and even though I was tired and anxious it wasn’t as hard as I thought it was going to be. Only one more day to go then hopefully we are going to have our discussion’s of how we are going to roll the training out. The exciting part about it is that all front line staff will be training and this will give them a much better understanding of Personality Disorder. Having spent much of my life not knowing what was wrong and why I was doing the things I was it makes me much happier knowing what it’s all about. The good thing is too, that once there’s more awareness then there will hopefully be less stigma and ignorance around the subject and staff won’t be so hard on patient’s coming in with Personality difficulties.
Unfortunatly because I’m so busy, it means I can’t do any training, well not until Friday as I will have the time to then. I might go for a monster to long run to make up for it and having had the rest I hope to have a good stamina for it.
My other half is in a good mood today which is nice, I know I have been out all day but it’s nice to come back and not get a hard time. I much prefer it when were getting on as it takes a lot of stress away for me then which in turn makes me happy. As I am his carer I really need to look into doing it officially soon however as it my help out my situation. Yesterday we didn’t have such a good day which really got me down for a while, still I had a sleep then I got over it.
But for now it’s time for me to get on with some other stuff for now but will be again very soon……………….
Job done
Well we finally finished getting my neighbours flat last night which was good as she was going to stay at her Mum’s but decided to come home. I had a fight with the wall as she had a mirror hanging but it wasn’t holding as our walls are all thin and crispy plasterboard, lol. I ended up making a nice hole which had to be filled and then put some new fitting up which were made for plasterboard, phew. Last bit of tidying up, putting door handles back on and the place was finally looking really nice. I got the call that she had changed her mind and when she walked in she nearly cried, was a nice feeling. My neighbour couldn’t believe how much better it looked and how much I had cleaned the place up.
So now that’s over got to get ready for my course for the next two days, I have not been enjoying the theory side of things but sure it will be fine in the end. I know that it’s a good thing and the more awareness out there about Personality Disorder the better understanding there will be coming from front line staff. The good thing is, is this where it’s being rolled out, to all front line staff that will come into contact with patients, i.e. doctors, nurses, psychiatrist, mental health workers, social workers, police and so on. As I said before that I am going to be training people about this in the near future so looking forward to the challenge of it. I am also good with computers so my worker want’s me to handle that side of things so that’s all good.
Nightmare’s with him last night, it seemed the painting never helped him cut down, he did a great job although I was hoping that as he was busy he would not need to drink much. I kept reminding him that was the idea but he just doesn’t want to listen to me at the moment. I got some verbal abuse when I came to bed late last night after spending time with my neighbour when she got back so that wasn’t really nice. Just going to have to see how he is when he wakes up this morning… :/
Still a bit achy from all the running but going to see if I can fit some sort of workout in today, maybe will go for a long ride on my bike. I like my time out when I can just put my music on and not have to worry for an hour or two as being a carer that’s all part of it, I’m afraid.
So a busy couple of days coming up but then I can take it easy at the weekend but no doubt I will be putting some time into cleaning my flat. I like my place to be nice and clean and once again it keeps me occupied, will be back in touch after my two days of hard work on the course…….
Busy Bee
Once again a bit gap since I have had to the chance to get on here and blab about life. Been really busy since I last came on and time seem’s to be flying, still can’t complain better to be busy than not. My neighbour went away last week so we decided to paint her flat for her as it really needed it. Most of my free time last week was spent on that as it was a bit of a project. My job was gunning the wall’s with mastic and then cleaning the place as we went along and then some good deep cleaning also. The thing is; I really enjoy cleaning, I’m a bit of a clean freak, it’s the OCD in me I would say. I do find it very therapeutic and the end result is always good and so what with a paint job then a nice clean finish will enhance the end result.
Apart from that I have still been training, I did a 15 mile bike ride during the week and a 10.5 mile run yesterday so happy with that. Mind you still haven’t shifted any weight as yet so get a little frustrated there. Mind you I have been feeling good so must be all the hard work and fresh air paying off with a twist of being so busy. As I said before, the depression is really good at the moment, good in the way that I’m not feeling down and it’s not affecting me. Busy Bee is the key to no anxiety………………
My work is much the same, still doing my voluntary stuff and keeping an eye out for any good opportunities. I am doing my course this week, which I am dreading as it’s 2 days in a row and it’s very tiring and draining. The drive is a mission also, rush hour traffic across London, not nice, still better than being a sardine stuck on the tube! Once that’s over I should be a qualified trainer and I am meant to be training front line staff on Personality Disorder if all goes to plan
I am still seeing my counsellor once a week too which is also a great thing for me as I am getting the chance to talk about things and get them off my chest rather than thinking or worrying too much.
So this week is already a busy one and hopefully I can get a bit of rest bite next week… fingers crossed.
