Realisation
Today has been a good day for me and I have realised a lot of positive things. I went to see my councillor this morning and we talked a lot about my life and how things are moving. I mean a few weeks ago I was really feeling down and pretty hopeless, now I am feeling much more positive. Somehow I am learning to use all the tools that I got from my therapy and something stops me going back to my old behaviours. I mean if things got hard, the depression was coming then I had an old and unhealthy way of coping. The last few months in general haven’t exactly been easy for me but one thing I have done is fight. For any sufferer reading this then you will know how hard it is but if you put your mind to it you can actually change your ways, there is hope. 
I have been working hard on my new page and it’s already paying off, with some influential people joining also. I am hoping to build on the page and it will be a place for people to come, join, support and share. I like focussing on my pages as it keeps me busy and I am doing something positive. I have posted lots of my own pictures on the page and have mas
tered the art of Facebook, until they change it again, lol.
My legs were still sore today from my workout but hoping to do another in the morning. I have been suffering a bit of anxiety recently so I know that any exercise will help. I have had so many panic attacks over the years that I am learning to manage them too. I actually able to see a future in my life rather than a hole that is swallowing me up with no hope. When I have a craving for a drink in the evening then I just choose to make and hot chocolate instead. I think about all the things I will be able to get done the next day rather than not being able to get up.
I have been a Dj and have played all round the world but that doesn’t really bother me now, I am happy for the simple life. Plus too many fake people out there talking rubbish and making promises they can’t keep. Being a PD sufferer, we are very sensitive so it’s good to have some stability in your life rather than let downs and carnage.
I am starting to feel more comfortable about myself and my life and take each day as it comes. I am still a bit of a stress head, lol, but who wouldn’t be a carer and having a two people’s live’s to run. I am trying to keep as busy as I can so my mind doesn’t go into over drive or thinking of things that will only bring me down. As I said earlier I am looking at working out more which will make my mind more clear. On that note need to get some rest so I don’t have an excuse not to do it in the morning, he he.
Crumble
Once again time has flown by and I have not been on here to write. I have been keeping an eye on the world as it crumble’s away before us. I had already seen smaller Earthquake’s in Japan before the big one hit as I had been keeping an eye on my Earthquake’s map. I can’t believe how sad it was and the amount of lives that has been lost is just crazy. In my last post about strange happening’s I talked a fair amount about stuff I have been looking into, well I have looked further since. I am not going to go into it though as a lot of it is conspiracy but as far as I’m aware you can’t always believe what the media tell you.
Now were off to war @ £2 million pounds a day, like were not already in enough financial difficulty!! I do a lot of stuff from home so it’s easy to keep an eye on the news which tells you about events as they are happening. Mind you seeing the American’s using the B 2 Stealth Bomber was a pretty amazing site, the jet is just incredible. Get’s you thinking though, if they show us a jet like that, can you imagine what they are not showing us!!
On a more positive not, I DID run my 1/2 marathon for charity and I did finally get over the finish line!! I must admit it wasn’t easy as I didn’t train a lot the last month as I have been injured and ill with possible gall stone’s. So that in itself was a huge achievement and I am so pleased with myself that I did it. Not just that but the day is amazing, lots of people on the side of the road cheering you on or saying “keep going” which did keep me going. 
Now onto life at the moment, still been doing a lot of thinking, trying to think about what work I can do or whether to set something up for myself. Nothing better than being your own boss as no one to answer to then, he he. Having a bash at giving up smoking and also trying to stay on a positive note. I will fill you in when I have made all my decisions but for now time to get on………….
Stress
The last couple of week have been quite stressful for me; I have not been sleeping well and been feeling sick a lot of the time. On top of that things haven’t been that great at home, been going through the mill I guess. I am waiting for an ultrasound to find out whether I have gallstones and also waiting on some other results. I need to book in to see my doctor to get some of the results and talk about what’s been going on.
My sleep pattern seems to have gone all out-of-place and I am not going to bed at my usual time, bit gutted as only a month or so ago things were really looking up. I am some camomile tea in the cupboard so maybe I should start giving that a try in the evening to help me feel tired at a better time. I know the stress hasn’t been helping either, stress can play a big part in not being able to get to sleep.
I still have a fair bit of pain in my back so still going to see the Osteopath, I have cut down my training but tried to run yesterday but wasn’t that great. I did run 10.4 miles but it was very slow and after drinking a bottle of Lucozade after I felt pretty sick for a few hours so can’t win really. I have woken up this morning with a really sore ankle also so no doubt that’s got some sort of strain also, just great.
I feel like I am coming on here and all I have to do is moan, not really what I want to be coming on here for, it was so positive before. Maybe the depression is coming back a bit due to the way I am feeling as I have been sleeping in more and lacking quite a bit of energy. I knew there was no magical cure but was on a really good run for quite a long time which was a real nice change for me. I am not going back on the old tablets however as I believe them to be the cause of the excess weight that I put on and I am still struggling hard to shift it.
My kitten’s are getting on well however, we have had Lucky for almost for weeks now and he growing up rather nicely. Him and the older kitten get on really well now and they are always running around after each other and play fighting. Mind you twice the mess to clear up now and back to more hoovering but it a small price for the pleasure!
I am hoping things pick up this week as I don’t like feeling the way I have been, hopefully seeing the doctor will put my mind at a bit of rest. I am going to try to keep as busy as I can and get out and about and do things.
Still been looking out for a new car but haven’t made my mind up yet……………
Time
Gosh it’s been such a long time since I’ve been on here to talk about what’s been going on. The main thing is time, finding time, just been so busy doing one thing or another. Been trying to train but been having a lot of problems with my back and shoulder so been going to the Osteopath too! I have also been busy being a carer, once again he is trying to cut down the drink which in turn means stress. Oh and of course I have been busy being a new Mum to my new kitty Lucky.
I am still doing my volunteering and have a new project to work on, although not having to put too much time in. No news on the PD training that I’m meant to be doing, waiting for NHS cuts and changes to settle down. I have been asked to do a talking from experience project though and if that happens then that will add more to my diary.
I found out I may have gallstone’s recently so that has brought me down a little as I haven’t been feeling right for a while and now I may have found out the cause. I now have to wait for an ultrasound scan to find out my fate and cut out any fatty foods, watching what I eat. I do have a pretty good diet but I do like the occasional take way but sadly that’s a no no at the moment.
I have set up another fan page for fun, adding all my favourite music which is a fun thing and a pilot to see how it goes. I could also use it as a platform for things I would like to do in the future if it does do well.
Back again with an update soon……………………..
Insomnia
Well I’m back, early in fact as I didn’t think i’d be writing today but after looking at my stat’s it make’s me happy that people are reading my blog and the amount is growing.
Last night I really didn’t sleep well and sod’s law I knew I needed to be up nice and early for day 2 of course today. I can’t blame the cat this time as she was really well behaved last night, I just was half awake some of the night. Still I don’t feel too awful this evening and hopefully I am going to get lots of extra Z’s tonight to make up for it. I am still reducing my medication very slowly so it’s more than likely that but I think the overall outcome in the end will be good.
So yes, day 2 of my course today and even though I was tired and anxious it wasn’t as hard as I thought it was going to be. Only one more day to go then hopefully we are going to have our discussion’s of how we are going to roll the training out. The exciting part about it is that all front line staff will be training and this will give them a much better understanding of Personality Disorder. Having spent much of my life not knowing what was wrong and why I was doing the things I was it makes me much happier knowing what it’s all about. The good thing is too, that once there’s more awareness then there will hopefully be less stigma and ignorance around the subject and staff won’t be so hard on patient’s coming in with Personality difficulties.
Unfortunatly because I’m so busy, it means I can’t do any training, well not until Friday as I will have the time to then. I might go for a monster to long run to make up for it and having had the rest I hope to have a good stamina for it.
My other half is in a good mood today which is nice, I know I have been out all day but it’s nice to come back and not get a hard time. I much prefer it when were getting on as it takes a lot of stress away for me then which in turn makes me happy. As I am his carer I really need to look into doing it officially soon however as it my help out my situation. Yesterday we didn’t have such a good day which really got me down for a while, still I had a sleep then I got over it.
But for now it’s time for me to get on with some other stuff for now but will be again very soon……………….
Busy Bee
Once again a bit gap since I have had to the chance to get on here and blab about life. Been really busy since I last came on and time seem’s to be flying, still can’t complain better to be busy than not. My neighbour went away last week so we decided to paint her flat for her as it really needed it. Most of my free time last week was spent on that as it was a bit of a project. My job was gunning the wall’s with mastic and then cleaning the place as we went along and then some good deep cleaning also. The thing is; I really enjoy cleaning, I’m a bit of a clean freak, it’s the OCD in me I would say. I do find it very therapeutic and the end result is always good and so what with a paint job then a nice clean finish will enhance the end result.
Apart from that I have still been training, I did a 15 mile bike ride during the week and a 10.5 mile run yesterday so happy with that. Mind you still haven’t shifted any weight as yet so get a little frustrated there. Mind you I have been feeling good so must be all the hard work and fresh air paying off with a twist of being so busy. As I said before, the depression is really good at the moment, good in the way that I’m not feeling down and it’s not affecting me. Busy Bee is the key to no anxiety………………
My work is much the same, still doing my voluntary stuff and keeping an eye out for any good opportunities. I am doing my course this week, which I am dreading as it’s 2 days in a row and it’s very tiring and draining. The drive is a mission also, rush hour traffic across London, not nice, still better than being a sardine stuck on the tube! Once that’s over I should be a qualified trainer and I am meant to be training front line staff on Personality Disorder if all goes to plan
I am still seeing my counsellor once a week too which is also a great thing for me as I am getting the chance to talk about things and get them off my chest rather than thinking or worrying too much.
So this week is already a busy one and hopefully I can get a bit of rest bite next week… fingers crossed.
Weekend
Well quiet weekend for me, didn’t get up to much apart from cleaning the flat and a nice long run yesterday. Had a nightmare evening on Friday, got a message from someone who really stressed me out and had to try to get some answers which then back fired on me but all got sorted in the end.
I spent most of Saturday spring cleaning again, I put my MP3 player on and made the flat lovely and tidy. I must say cleaning has its therapeautic properties and once you have finished you can be really proud of what you have done. Mind you I still have a bit more to do and a few more things to tidy up so will hopefully get that done during this week.
I met my older sister for a bite to eat on Saturday evening which was nice and we really don’t meet up that often as she is always busy. I still had a couple of Christmas presents for her which she really liked so that was good, always nice when you pick the right things. Going to try to meet up a bit more often which would be nice as over the year’s it can be few and far between when we meet and family is important.
Yesterday I went for a run, after getting some new running trainers it was so much better, I had been running in shower proof boots due to the weather. I also got some tips which motivated me and I managed to run 10 miles in 95 minutes so was really pleased with myself! After the run we went over to his flat and picked up some painting things, we are going to paint my neighbours flat while she is away. I am hoping it will help him as he love’s to paint and it will take his mind of the drink as his cutting down still isn’t going that well. My neighbour is really excited about it too as the place really does need a lick over and a fair bit off filling which is my job as that’s the part I enjoy. Filling and gunning, very therapeutic also but not rubbing down, I find that very tedious and it also gives me goose bumps as I don’t like the sensation, ew!
I have my counselling this morning which is a good outlet for me, I have the chance to get everything off my chest which is good. I have a lot more weeks available to me which is also good so hopefully can get a few things sorted that way too. My mind is still a lot better also, the depression is minimal and tablets are slowly coming down also. I don’t seem to have lost much weight yet from all the training I have been doing so waiting for that to happen. My clothes are slightly looser and my face less puffy but hopefully I will start to see some results soon.
Apart from that, I just have some homework to do for my course and supervision with my line manager this week. Still thinking over what to do next regarding employment also and the state of the economic climate doesn’t really help. Maybe I need to spend a bit of time this week looking around to see what’s about and then I might find some answers…..
Life
So once again it’s been a while since I’ve been on, been fairly busy as usual especially with the training. I worked it out yesterday that’s it’s only just over 9 weeks till my 1/2 Marathon, eek!
Before Christmas I was really excited about the possibility of being paid for my voluntary work but after Christmas I had the bad news that it can’t happen now. Due the all the government spending cuts, I have been gusumped, which I was really sad about 
I mean on the phone I was all brave and that but afterwards I did shed a few tears as I was really looking forward to it.The thing is I have been doing it for almost a year now and have put so much hard work into my projects so was just really disappointed. So instead of letting it just bring me down further I have put my energy into my training and working out. One of those things I guess so just gotta keep going and keep my mind healthy so’s not to let a negative thoughts get the better of me.
On the up side, my training is paying off and the depression is slowly subsiding, which is great news, I am still on reduced meds but hoping to cut them down altogether in the end. I have been getting up nice and early, doing my work and keeping very busy indeed. The good thing is, is that when you are busy then the things that go around in your mind driving you mad don’t have time to get there. So all in all, I am not feeling bad for the start of the New Year and I doubt that blue Monday will affect me either, he he.
I am still doing my course which is a good thing and once I am fully qualified then hopefully I am going to get some work that way which will be good news. Although I am now starting to think of other option’s as the need to earn is getting stronger although I don’t really want to go back to restaurant work. I was really good at that type of work but there’s a lot of crap that comes with dealing with the public and that’s the part I don’t like. So undecided at the moment although I will update it on here once I have worked out what’s the best plan next.
Still having a few problems at home, good days and bad, he is still drinking and not managed to stop so always a bit of stress there. The usual jealousy arguments and then the apologies afterwards, just get fed up with all the same things being brought up all the time, it’s like a stuck record. Still it’s not too bad and I am strong enough to deal with it at the moment so just going to get on with it for now.
Apart from that, that’s me for today, need to wake him up soon as he has an appointment today and I am going to get out and about. I ran for almost 2 hours yesterday so no running today as I need to let my body heal. Be back in touch soon… Life is a box of chocolate’s, you never know what you’re going to get…..
Coffee
I bought a new espresso / cappuccino maker just before Christmas and oh lord what a saviour it is! I love my coffee and it means I can make coffee shop style coffee in a matter of minutes, yum yum
Well, I made it for my run this morning, 86 minutes, not bad considering I had a bit of time off. I feel good although my knee was hurting a bit so had to give up there but I think that was enough anyway. I feel much better for doing it and know I will be soon back up to 98 minutes or more. I feel better already and I am looking forward to the part when all the weight starts falling off, he he.
I spent more time today working on my new picture show that I have been doing for my volunteer work. I am really happy with it and I am trying to send it to my supervisor so she can have a look, I am sure she will love it too. I also thought of an idea when I was out running today so sent a letter of and know who’s I may get a reply, will keep it at that for now as if it works out then I will tell more.
Grumpy has gone off to his place today, however I asked him to go as he was being mean again, got to put my foot down otherwise he tries to walk all over me. No doubt he will be back later but had a nice bit of peace, doing my work and not being asked questions or being annoyed at the same time.
Tomorrow is rest day from running so will probably do some more cleaning, it’s nice to clean the place for the New Year. Apart from that there’s a running jacket I’m after so might pop to the shops to see if they still have them. Other than that a nice relaxed evening ahead of me, healthy food and maybe some more coffee
Happy New Year!
Well it’s New Year’ Day and haven’t been on for some time I’m afraid, busy, busy and buggy buggy. After being so excited about Christmas and do a hell of a lot of running, I got a big of a buy. Nasty sore throat, lots of coughing and generally not feeling well as like many other people at the moment. Christmas day was fine, Santa delivered his stocking in the night and smoked salmon and cream cheese for breakfast, yummy! We opened our presents and lots if nice surprises and then I got on with the cooking. I really went for it, cooked a pheasant for the first time, all the trimmings and it was lovely! Chilled mostly for the rest of the day and then woke up feeling rough on Boxing day. A few days ill which wasn’t great so rested up and did all the right things and starting to feel more human again now.
Last night was different, we stayed in and I cooked, I made rabbit and, which again I’ve never cooked before, it came out great. I really enjoy cooking and put a lot of passion in so I guess tat helps. After dinner we watched TV till midnight and saw the London firework ceremony on the TV. I put the surround sound on and it was great and then I played a remix of Auld Lang Syne on my desktop on my really loud speakers too. We let off some fireworks from the balcony and I set up my Dj Laser which I pointed towards the pub down the road, really fun. Had a little boogie and then time for bed, had a few snacks and was in bed for 1am. In my past life it might have been 1am 24 hours later which is a complete change for me.
Everything had been going great really until this morning, he had one of his usual turns and left my place and headed home. It’s really hard when you care for someone (literally) and in heart when they behave in such a way. I mean it turns out he was upset about me and my laser showing off, he just can’t handles things, it’s a nightmare. So I’ve had a day of peace and because I was fed up I put it to some good use. I made a project for my volunteer work and I am really pleased with the outcome, spent hours on it so it should be good I am busy trying to send the file to my wonderful supervisor and hope she is impressed with my work.
Want to get out training tomorrow, either a run or a very long ride on my bike, can let out some of these feelings at the same time. Fingers crossed I’m feeling up to it as I know just how great it makes me feel. I always have to watch out for my depression as it can come slamming back before I know it. So on that note, gonna chill out, watch Eastender’s, have an early night and hopefully a workout tomorrow
