Suicide Awareness Week
Well I was looking at my blog the other day and thinking gosh I have not written for such a long time. Time’s have been hard recently and I was going through a really low patch and I just haven’t had the energy to come on and write. The person I care for took an over-dose and he was in hospital for a week so I had a lot of running around to do. I was trying to give up smoking and failing miserably and in fact every time I cut the nicotine down my mood was going lower and lower. I have had lots going on and trying to get through it all but at the same time feeling so bad was becoming a recipe for disaster.
I tried some new tablets for 5 weeks, they seemed to make me worse and restless and I didn’t feel like I was getting on with them. I had a break for a while and whilst all this other stuff was going on my mood was slowly slipping away. I have made a friendship and got close with someone which just hasn’t worked out and because he doesn’t live here it probably never will. We were talking most days on-line and it turned into like a bizarre relationship over the net but not much else. When he comes here we have met up and we do things together but the things is he always has to go back. I guess if he really liked me then he would choose to move back so as for now we will continue to be friends, just hard! I started to feel worse whilst cutting the nicotine right down again and asked a doctor for some medication. Something I have tried before but instead he wrote me out a prescription for something else. I told him I am very sensitive to meds and he said “oh these are mild and I think you will be fine with them”. Low and behold after about a week in, my head was all over the place. I had a bad reaction and a massive setback and ended up in hospital. I spent 5 days in hospital and I also had a urine infection and some other problem in my blood results. I felt like rubbish but there wasn’t a lot I could do and so that’s why I was quiet for a while.
The Psych’s also came to see me, one of them I met from before who I get on with and we had a good chat about things and I got a lot off my chest. On my last day another Psych came to see me and we also talked about what had happened and he suggested we try the tablets that I originally asked for. A week in I am starting to feel a little brighter already so I think they are actually helping and I don’t feel like I’m bloating out. The worse thing for me is when tablets bloat me out as I have always had weight issues so this is not a good thing for me.
So I am back to writing on here and I will start trying to make it a bit more regular, after all, it has over 5000 hits now and we are over 2000 members on Facebook. I have to remind myself of this as it’s taken me a lot of hard work to get to this point and without your support I wouldn’t be doing it. Thank you all for being part of this project and raising awareness of such a hard and debilitating illness.
One last thing… This Week is suicide awareness Week, Write ‘love’ on your wrist or wear something yellow to show your support for anyone who has or is having thoughts of attempting or succeeded in taking their own life.
Morning
Well I woke up at the lovely time of 5am and woke up to a living room full of feathers, my lovely cats decided to bring me a present. So I had to get to the hoover out straight away and hoover up as there were feathers all over the floor. I am having my morning fresh coffee and thinking about what I am going to get up to today. I took one of my cats to my friends grooming parlour last week as she is long-haired and it helps to get her groomed and looking nice. I am considering taking the other one there today as he has never been although he is different to her. The other cat is short-haired although a groom would do him good as she gets out all the dead hairs. Plus he gets a bath but the problem is he is very timid and he might not even come back in time. The other cat is good with other people but my male cat is quite the opposite, he runs when strangers come in. I guess I am going to still do some deciding but if I am going to go then I need to take him early so any other animals don’t frighten him.
I have so much to tell you and in May I did so many posts but I have been so busy that I haven’t had so many chances to sit down and write to you all. The one I care for court case is finally over and guess what, he WON! Thanks to put input, the solicitor and barrister, the court decided in his favour which was a weight off my shoulders. It was not an easy case to win as in his borough there is a huge housing shortage and the odds were pretty much against him. The case was very long and the first day we were there from 9am to 6pm and it was soooo tiring. The good thing was had a lady judge who was compassionate and the other sides barrister was a bit of a witch and she could see and even stood up for the pair of us in fact on a number of occasions. The barrister brought him to tears at one point, tried to question my ability due to mental health issues and then manipulated him into saying something that was not even the truth. The good thing was the judge saw it and she also believed all of my evidence which was fact to the point where me telling the truth could have jeopodised him somewhat. But that is what I am all about, I tell the truth and that’s how I wanted to be on the day was truthful but guess she respected me for it. I had to tell the court that he had been staying with me for most of the last twelve months or longer and this was because the council had forced us to get rid of a lot of his stuff. Like I said it could have jeoppodused him as the case was about his property but luckily instead of me making up a story I told the truth. At the end when the judge did her submissions, she pointed out that everything I said had helped her make up a picture of what had happened. I am glad it is finally over now as I had been carrying the whole thing on my shoulders and was really tough if I’m honest. The one I care for has calmed down a bit now and has not been drinking as much, the fact he thought he was going to have to leave was impacting him differently. I have also let him stay at his place and been having time to myself which has really been a help for me also. I feel more free at the moment and that I can do the things that I need to do without having him here and just getting on with what I need to to. I have been going over to him on most days, taking his meds and buying him some of the bits that he needs. I am also speaking to him on the phone a couple of times a day also but the peace is very nice.
I have been having some trouble with my meds for some time, I hadn’t been taking a lot but through going through a rough patch for a while I started again. I was only taking a low dose of an anti-depressant and tried to see if it would help again, I tried for about 5 weeks and they did liven me up but they still weren’t right for me. So low and behold I came off of them and am going down the natural route now. I was also trying to come off my sleeping pills, I had been on them for the best part of 2 years and for about 6 months, I was only taking a small amount most nights but just couldn’t seem to get off them completely. Low and behold with a lot of persistance, I have now manage to stop them for a good few weeks now. I feel so much better, I am only taking vitamins now and the odd painkiller for when I get any pain or headaches which I do on occasion. I have been taking a mineral solution that a friend recommended to me and that seems to have helped me quite a lot also. I have more energy now, my head feels a lot more clear and I am just feeling generally better in myself which is something to smile about. I have been getting a lot done and I have been enjoying life more than I have done for while so things more of an improvement for me at the moment. I may have a couple of options for getting myself back into work also, I have wooed a couple of people and will wait to see the outcome. I was going to try and set up a social enterprise but I have now decided against it as I am fully aware of my triggers. Stress being one of them and setting something like that up with the unknown funding factor would not be the right thing for me So as much as it was a good idea, I am learning what is right and wrong for me these days. I am still going to continue doing all of this voluntarily as it’s a great help for me and I get a lot from it and I feel that it is helping others also. So onwards and upwards as the old saying goes and I will keep you posted of all my news….. 
PS – I still have a few wristbands left if anyone would like to get order then please see:
http://personalitydisordersupportnetwork.com/pdsn-wristbands/
Groomed kitty
Painful Weekend
Well that was some sort of a weekend, spent all of it in hospital in so much pain and was really quite rough. I have been having ongoing health issues for quite some time now and still haven’t exactly got to the bottom of it. I was in a lot of pain the previous weekend which continued for most of the week and it was all getting too much. I have also been having terrible headaches so on the Thursday I went up and booked a course of acupuncture to a place where I have been before. I must admit there was a new doctor there and she was really nice and pretty much gave me double the amount of time that I was meant to have. I had needles mostly around my head and skull and a couple on my hands and feet. I am not bothered by those needles as they don’t really hurt and was mainly looking for some relief. After she gave me a 10 minute head massage, it was so nice and I felt really relaxed when I left there. Sadly the next day my headache had come back and I just didn’t feel that great. I tried to go about my day but was just finding it quite hard as I had stomach pain as well. In the afternoon I went to the walk in centre and saw a nurse and she said she couldn’t treat me and that I needed to go to A&E. So off I went on my journey to A&E on a Friday evening, not the best time to go.
I didn’t have to wait that long to be seen, I saw the out of hours GP service to begin and he could see I was in a lot of pain. For some reason he seemed to think I had a kidney stone so he made a referral to the Urology team and asked me to wait to see them. It wasn’t too long before a young female doctor came to see and she then examined me. I showed her where the pain was in my stomach which was pretty intense although she seemed to think it was my appendix. I was next rushed upstairs to be admitted, rushed to X-ray and ultrasound and had some bloods taken also. All of it happened pretty quickly as she was worried if it was my appendix then obviously it can be pretty dangerous. The scan showed I had some problems with my stomach and that was probably the reason why I was in so much pain. I was then admitted to another ward as it wasn’t actually a kidney problem that I was suffering with. I started on medication to help my stomach and also pain relief for my headaches, they had been quite intense for some time. I pretty much spent all weekend there, feeling very unwell and having to call the doctors to get more pain relief. The young lady doctor that was looking after me was so kind and caring and she always did her best to maker sure I would be ok. The problem was that because I was initially admitted to Urology but then moved to another ward if I needed anything they had to bleep my doctors. It turned out to be a nightmare and whenever they did their rounds I was last or they didn’t come at all. Most of the staff at the weekend were a nightmare and not a lot happens as the main doctors work Monday to Friday. I knew the doctor was also trying to get the Neurologist’s involved due to my extreme headaches but nothing happened there in the end either. Time just seem to pass slowly, not a lot got done, I could see the things that hadn’t been done and I felt abandoned on the ward a lot of the time. I mean I was admitted on the Friday and was only given a wristband on the Monday. A urine sample was requested and never even got tested, the list was endless, let alone some of the lazy nurses.
I waited all morning on Monday to see a doctor to find out what was going on so I knew how long I would be staying or whether I would be going home. Some of the treatment had been working so I was hoping to get home to my own surroundings and to be with my cats that I was missing. I waited most of the day in the end and finally one of the main Urology doctors came over to see me to let me know I could go home, thank god! I was discharged on the basis that I would continue the treatment at home and wait to see my Neurologist on the 28th of May.
I have still been quite rough since I got home so that’s why it’s been a little quiet and I have to try to take it easy. Yesterday I had a fair bit of catching up to do in the daytime and then I rested for most of the afternoon and evening. Today I have some bits to do also but again I am not going to do too much as I need to take care of myself. Wristband orders have still been coming in so will be sorting them out this morning and hope to get the last of them sold pretty soon.
Oh and I forgot to mention there was a young male doctor that was on call at night and he certainly made me stay there a bit more bearable. The only thing thing that did cheer me up there was a nice bit of eye candy….
Long Weekend
Well what can I say, what a horrible weekend that was! Not like me to talk like that but I was in so much pain it was unreal which in turn was triggering my worries and anxiety. I visited the out of hours doctors who were pretty useless and only really got somewhere by today. My TMJ (jaw) joint had been playing up and it felt like someone had their hands around my head and crushing it, it was awful. After that I started to get pain in my groin area which was also extremely painful and the whole time I just could not relax. When I took either Ibuprofen or Co-codamol it just would make me go numb later or give me pins and needles, not nice. I am not supposed to take Ibuprofen anyway as I suffer with a lot of acid and it isn’t that good for your stomach either. So basically I was in pain, my muscles have been going into spasm and I felt pretty rubbish. Yesterday I visited the hospital and finally got something to help me relax and things have started to improve. Because I have been in a lot of pain recently I finally gave in to taking another tablet that I was on many years ago. Started it on Friday and actually starting to feel a bit better today and I am only going to take a very low dose. I even have anxiety about what tablets I take and what the side effects are and so on and so on.
On a better note after I got something to help me relax and had a sleep I was able to make it to the football game I spoke about. I said to the one I care for, “look I will try to take you there but if I don’t feel good or am in pain then we will have to come home”. Well we managed it and it was awesome, we had a front row seat and we stayed seated nearly all the time which also helped. Our seat was so much better this time as we were close to the half way line and we had a brilliant view. What a game it was, we won 3-0 and out team will on our way to Wembley for the final in a couple of weeks! I even ordered a couple of hats today as well, get me, someone that never really liked football before, becoming a fan.
Wristband orders are still coming through and there is only about a third left now so it’s all going great. Everyone has been posting messages about how happy they are or that they are wearing them and posting pics, it’s a real achievement. I guess I should be really proud, need to learn how to pat myself on the back as I am not very good at that…
I went to the doctors this morning and he actually seemed to know what was wrong, I had trouble with my pelvic bone which could be from my back pain. I have got some more tablets should the pain flare up bad again and also a referral to a specialist in July. Oh and I forgot to mention I had a bladder infection so no wonder I felt so rubbish.
So today I am finally starting to feel a bit brighter, I am not in so much pain, I have a couple of answers and my tablets have perked me up a little. Onwards and upwards for this week as everyone has been so supportive and I need to stay with that thought. 
Tiring Times
Recently I have been really tired which can be a bit of a pain but I am going to try to not let it get me down. The thing is life is pretty good at the moment, I am feeling good about things and I have been keeping very busy and my mind occupied. The page has been going great and new members joining all the time and lots of really good interactions. I had a telephone interview last week with a lovely researcher from:
http://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/
which has also got new people coming along to see my pages which is great! The Mental Health Foundation posted links on both Facebook and Twitter so I am a very happy bunny. 
I have been having a bit of a tough time as usual with the one I am caring for, same old really but I am not going to let that get me down either. I really try my best to help him at all times but sometimes he doesn’t want to listen and he is having the same old mood swings. Last night he went to his own place which gives me a bit of time and space to myself so can’t complain.
I have been doing a fair amount of exercise recently which is making me feel better also. I have been trying to work out every other day and I notice a bit of difference. Earlier in the year when I was training for my 1/2 marathon I didn’t seem to lose much weight but I was still coming off the anti-depressant’s then. So hopefully if I keep this up then I will lose the weight I have been wanting to lose some and this will make me happier again.
I had my supervision yesterday for the voluntary work that I do, all went well and got treated to lunch again, lucky me! I get on really well with my supervisor and she believes in me which is something that keeps me going. The voluntary work that I do, including this blog and the new fan page also keeps me going, lets keep it like this, onwards and upwards…. :)
Under The Weather
The past week has been a tough week, lots of stress and a fair amount of anxiety. My nerves have also been playing me up and that is due to the fact that I used to drink a lot. Some people alcohol damages their liver but it my case it went to my nerves. I have been getting a burning sensation going my left arm for quite some time and also a bit of vertigo. I can be standing still but feels like the room is swaying sometimes, which isn’t that great. I saw my doctor a couple of days ago and he told me it’s all part and parcel of my past lifestyle. I was told to keep taking my vitamins which will eventually help them heal which is kinda frustrating. Guess I was hoping for a magic pill to make it better but unfortunately he couldn’t help so have to put up with it. Another doctor once did give me something for it but in fact it made it worse so will see how I go. I did do some reading online about it and funnily enough one of the tablets I did stop some time ago helps with it and maybe that’s why I am getting it now. The question is; do I want to take the tablets again as they have side effects that go with them as well? Having this the past few weeks has been making me over anxious and I don’t like it when I get anxiety but know how to bear with it better now. Anxiety is horrible, especially when you first get it and think that it’s a lot more serious that it is. Still not great getting it now but I am finding better ways to deal with it so makes it a little bit easier.
I have not been feeling that well since last Thursday either as my throat has been sore and now I have some kind of buy. I have had a good run of not being well so I guess at some point I was going to get ill which has happened now. The night before last I felt so bad I took some painkillers before I slept but then I had a very strange feeling when I woke up during the night. I didn’t feel that great yesterday and this morning I have woken up and I have a runny nose so it’s all a bit boo!
So the last few days I have been trying to take it easy and be kind to myself and eased up on the exercise also. I know this will pass and the anxiety will dissipate and I will be back to my old self once again. One thing that make me smile is the fact that the Facebook page is still growing all the time, my hard work is paying off.
Stats!
Blimey just had a look at my stats and they have suddenly grown dramatically, happy days! I am not sure where they are coming from but I am happy that people out there are reading this. I am finding doing this and the fan page very therapeutic and they are both growing at a nice pace.
I did have my workout yesterday too, so kept my promise, well almost as was meant to do it the day before. Still I did workout for over 80 minutes so I did well and feel better for it today. A few months ago I eased off one of my tablets although the depression and anxiety have slowly managed to creep back. I am however going to try to fight this naturally and see how I go as my doctor has tried me on so many tablets. I am still feeling much better and my life is so much better than it was before. I no longer crave drink and no longer wish to as I now realise what the consequences are. When you use a substance to damp down the way that your feeling then it only makes you feel worse in the end. I mean I still have trouble with my nervous system due to the amount I drank but hey it never says that on the bottle! The sun is shining right now which is nice, this is also something I would hide from when I was feeling down. I would stay indoors with the curtains shut and I would only go out when I needed more drink and that was hard enough in itself.
Yesterday I went out on the balcony and jet-sprayed it down, that was loads of fun and the water kept my feet cool. I walked to the supermarket and got a load of shopping and walked back instead of using the car. I was going to have a BBQ on the balcony but unfortunately it didn’t happen as but that’s another long story. I put up the parasol and bought a wind chime so it’s looking rather nice out there I must say. Hopefully I will have my BBQ out there later today….
Stress
The last couple of week have been quite stressful for me; I have not been sleeping well and been feeling sick a lot of the time. On top of that things haven’t been that great at home, been going through the mill I guess. I am waiting for an ultrasound to find out whether I have gallstones and also waiting on some other results. I need to book in to see my doctor to get some of the results and talk about what’s been going on.
My sleep pattern seems to have gone all out-of-place and I am not going to bed at my usual time, bit gutted as only a month or so ago things were really looking up. I am some camomile tea in the cupboard so maybe I should start giving that a try in the evening to help me feel tired at a better time. I know the stress hasn’t been helping either, stress can play a big part in not being able to get to sleep.
I still have a fair bit of pain in my back so still going to see the Osteopath, I have cut down my training but tried to run yesterday but wasn’t that great. I did run 10.4 miles but it was very slow and after drinking a bottle of Lucozade after I felt pretty sick for a few hours so can’t win really. I have woken up this morning with a really sore ankle also so no doubt that’s got some sort of strain also, just great.
I feel like I am coming on here and all I have to do is moan, not really what I want to be coming on here for, it was so positive before. Maybe the depression is coming back a bit due to the way I am feeling as I have been sleeping in more and lacking quite a bit of energy. I knew there was no magical cure but was on a really good run for quite a long time which was a real nice change for me. I am not going back on the old tablets however as I believe them to be the cause of the excess weight that I put on and I am still struggling hard to shift it.
My kitten’s are getting on well however, we have had Lucky for almost for weeks now and he growing up rather nicely. Him and the older kitten get on really well now and they are always running around after each other and play fighting. Mind you twice the mess to clear up now and back to more hoovering but it a small price for the pleasure!
I am hoping things pick up this week as I don’t like feeling the way I have been, hopefully seeing the doctor will put my mind at a bit of rest. I am going to try to keep as busy as I can and get out and about and do things.
Still been looking out for a new car but haven’t made my mind up yet……………
Lucky
Well how tie has flown by, it’s been a busy week for me, have not even had a chance to come on and write. All weekend I was looking online to find a kitten, my kitten is 9 months and wanted to find a friend for her. The problem is so many people want kitten’s so if you’re not first in then they are normally taken. Plus I’m a bit picky and wanted to find the perfect kitten so that made it harder also. Still I kept persevering and eventually I found a little stunner on Tuesday morning. I sent a text immediately and asked if he was still available, said that I wanted him if so and the reply was good news. I carried on texting and asking questions until a blow came saying someone was coming to pick up the kitten later. I was pretty gutted as I was unable to call at the time so I politely replied saying I had said from the first text I wanted him. Not long after that I got a reply saying I was correct so I made a call and said I would come later to collect him. So in the evening, I drove over and collected my new bundle of joy and I am so happy that I did. The little one looks like the big one when she was little and has all the same trait’s, it’s great.
As my older one is female and the younger one is male I thought they would get on easier, however the first introduction there was a lot of hissing. Most of the hissing was from my older kitten and I was a little worried to begin with, although I spoke to my friend and she reminded me this is normal for the first few days. Luckily now they are getting on a lot better now 3 days on, chasing each other around the place, so happy days. We were trying to think of names for him too, we were going to call him magic although in the end I decided it didn’t sound right. The little one has a small white marking on his chest and we nearly lost him to somebody else so I we decided to call him Lucky.
So apart from all the stuff with the kitten’s, I am still sore due to my injury and I am going back to the Osteopath today for some more work. I really ache this morning as I went for a run yesterday so I am glad my appointment is today.
I have also been asked to take part in a talking from experience project s going for a meeting to talk about that in a couple of weeks. It’s a good way to educate young people about your own experience and try to dissuade them from making the same mistakes.
I went to see my psychiatrist this week, although it was a new one this time, I rather liked the old one to be honest. The problem is the SHO’s (who work under the psychiatrist’s) they rotate every 6 months so you end up with new one’s after a while. I told him how well I am doing and that I have stopped my medication and all was fine. It’s really nice to be free from the tunnel of darkness for once as that has been a reoccurring pattern in my life. I am thankful that I am busy enough not to think and worry about my problems as I did on the past and am looking forward nicely. I have been networking with lots of people that work in the BPD side of things too and I am hoping that something good will come out there also.
I need a haircut……… so I am going in the morning to get my hair cut and this time even shorter than before. It’s such a mess at the moment that I’m wearing hats all the time. I talked about pampering last weekend and didn’t do enough so maybe I can return to it this weekend.
Pain
I have been in a fair bit of pain for most of the week so no training has been going on. It makes me feel a little sad as my training is what make’s me feel so much better and I have to ease off of it for a while. Going to watch what I eat as much as I can and try and drink 3 cups of green tea per day. I am trying to lose some weight you see and without all the exercise I’ve been doing then I am not going to get anywhere. I have completely stopped one of my medication’s now which I believe is partially to blame for my weight gain. I guess only time will tell if that was the main source of the problem but I am hoping that it was.
I said I was going to pamper myself this weekend but so far I have only had a go on my shiatsu foot massager. Mind you it’s great, it’s electronic and heats up with infra-red and after you feel so much more relaxed. I have stayed in mind you and took it easy because of the pain and I have spent some time looking for new cars. I can’t really make my mind up what I want, apart from small, economical, but one that look’s nice too. As I said before if I do change car then I am really going to miss my little one. 
So to add to the pain, someone I’ve known for a long time from the past told me today that he’s going to be a Dad in April. Bit of a kick to the stomach and a bit of a long story to explain but was pretty gutted to hear the news.
Got a fair bit to do this week so should keep me nice and busy, just hope it isn’t too long till I can have another workout.
So all in all I hope this week is better than the last as I’ve been on a bit of a good roll recently and I have been happy with the balance.
