Morning
I was a little annoyed with myself this week due to the lack of time I’ve not had to come here and write so while I’m up at 7am thought I would write again… 
Life has been rather busy for me these last few months but on a good note it’s kept my depression to a minimum as I have been too busy to think or worry. I have been helping out at this little place near me with the hope to get something a bit more concrete in the New Year. I am still caring for the person I’ve been looking after for some time, however he has once again gone down hill which is hard work. For 6 weeks he didn’t drink and he was doing so well but unfortunately he started drinking again about a week ago so it’s going to be a bumpy ride. Mind you he does live at home now although when he drinks heavily he has a habit of just turning up which I don’t want him to do.
I met a new man, I’ve known him for some months although we hit it off about 5 weeks ago now. The only problem is, he is a bit of a handful and as I mentioned before he let me down a fair bit in the last couple of weeks. I was annoyed with him yesterday but as it was his birthday at midnight I could not be horrible to him as that’s not me. I also bought him some nice presents so I am hoping to see him later today to give them to him as I’m sure that he will like them. The problem is he has got a friend who he looks after also but in a different way and his friend is not happy that we are getting along and giving me problems. I have been finding that part of it quite difficult as he gives me dirty looks all the time and has not been very nice to me this week. The thing that’s even worse is that they are going on holiday together for a month on 24th December although I am not sure they will stay for a month. I guess that’s for him to find out as once they are together for 24 hours a day I am sure that he will see that his friend is a nightmare also. I am going to try to grin and bear it for now but it has been draining me to be honest. Also the fact that the previous week didn’t go so well and this week he has been mega busy has been really tough for me. If things calm down next week then I will see if he makes the time to see me and how things go then. I am still very confused about it all but the trouble is I really like him!
Today I am off to see my family to go for a meal for an early Christmas type thing. I have got all their present’s wrapped up and ready for them although I don’t think I will open mine, I will save them for Christmas day. Up nice and early also so can get lots of things done and hopefully have an earlier night this evening… Back with an update soon… 
Shocking
Gosh it’s shocking that I haven’t been on here for soooooo long to come and write to you all and tell you what’s been happening. To be honest though I have been really busy, what with helping out at a little club local to me, being a carer and then having a bit of me time. Still the good thing is, the depression has been better the last few months which is a positive thing and helps with less hours of daylight. The one I care for has been looking after himself a bit more which means that I have been going over to visit him at home. Life is a lot easier now he is not under my feet all the time and I can get on and do things. Plus the drinking has stopped which is good news as that’s when more of the problems start as well. I have taken the cats over to him a couple of times also to stay for a while as I know he really cares about them and it’s company for him too.
My friend that I close with burned out and we only ended up being friends in the end, it was getting a little confusing so we didn’t speak for a while until things settled down. We are back being friends again and he is over for a visit shortly but only as friends which is cool for both of us. I have met someone else recently and we have got close but not so sure now as he doesn’t seem to want to put me first. It was all fun an excitement at the beginning but this week it’s just been let down after let down 
No doubt I am going to bump into him this evening but I need to put my foot down and let him know I am not a walk over. It’s a pity really as we get on so well but he has a friend that seems to get in the way all the time. It’s not my place to tell him not to see his friend but at the same time he should want to find the time to see and spend time with me. The other dampener is that he is off on holiday for a month at Christmas so that will be tough going if he stays for the duration. I am not sure he will manage it though as he is going with his silly friend who is a 100 miles an hour and might drive him round the bend! So guess only time will tell and this weekend I might find out what’s being going on as well.
I have done my Christmas shopping early again this year and I got some really good deals on line so now its just a case of wrapping. I need to warp them up soon mind you as I want to make sure I have bought enough for everyone and I haven’t missed anyone out.
I will try my best to come back on with an update as the last post was far too long ago. Missed you all and am thinking of you all…. <3
Pains
Once again time has flown by and I haven’t come on for ages to come and talk about what’s been going on for me. I tried my best to get myself ready for Xmas and did all the present buying in advance. I really struggle with Xmas you see, so getting stuff done in advance is better for me rather than stressing at the last minute.
The fact that I am carer and have been looking after someone has been taking its toll on me also. As much as I try to help him he doesn’t want to help himself and it can be so draining.Obviously we spent time with one another over Christmas but I can’t say it was a bundle of laughs. The thing is he was meant to be away and me getting some respite, but low and behold he was back and so starts the hard work.
I have been waiting on my MRI scan results and in the mean time I have noticed all the symptoms which are ongoing. Just after Christmas I started getting a horrible pain in my stomach which wouldn’t go away. One day it would be worse than another but the thing was, it was always there and hurting and it stated to stress me out. I went to the hospital a couple of times and they palmed me off with painkillers, although my mind was never at rest. Last Sunday the pain had been there all day and I had enough if it so once again back to the hospital. I was explaining about the pain, where it was and how long I had it. In the end the doctor admitted me to the surgeon’s who told me they thought it was gallstones. Next I as told I was having a couple of tests and if that were the case then they would operate in a weeks time. The next day, I had the test and they also dosed up on Tramadaol (horrible things, felt like I was dying). Most of that day was a blur as I was in and out of sleep and pretty spaced out. The next morning my results came back and turns out it was clear so they have now put my name down for camera test to be done in a month. All this waiting and symptoms is all doing my head in a bit and I guess to be honest it’s really getting me down On top of the fact that I found out I was discharged from Neurology so been also chasing them up since I got out, arrrgggghhhh.
For a few days now, I started using my SAD light as my mood has been pretty low and I have been having panic attacks. I can say I feel a small difference but only time will tell. I am sitting in front of the light right now whilst typing this and will keep you posted if it really helps or not. Not sure what to do with my day yet as the once I care for went home last night. I know I should find something nice to do but deciding what is next on the agenda. I am sorry I take so long to come and write on here but from what I have written I am sure you understand my life and times have been tough.
Shopping
I was round my friends a couple of days ago and he was asking about my cats so I said to him why don’t you come over and see them and so he did. I brought my friend round and he stayed at mine for a couple of nights in the end and had lots of fun playing with the cats. This is the friend I talked about some time ago that had some troubles with his health with a very serious condition. The same friend that I went to visit at the Royal London Hospital and would also visit him at his place which isn’t too far. The only problem is he makes these noises with his mouth all the time and it kinda stresses me out so was glad to drop him off yesterday, lol. I know it’s mad but kinda got this phobia of those sort of noises or people who are noisy eater’s, etc…. I know I need hypnotherapy or something really as I feel like it makes my blood pressure go up and it’s bugged me for many years.
The last couple of days I have been rather a busy bee also, been getting myself organised for Christmas this year as I did last year. I managed to go online and buy nearly all of my Christmas shopping, I am just hoping that t comes on time because last year was a total nightmare. On the first day I got most of the big things, like the main presents and yesterday I got the smaller ones, the post man is going to be busy over the next couple of weeks, he he. Glad to have got it done though, one less thing to worry about, seen as I have had a lot on my mind lately……
I have my MRI scan this Sunday, yes Sunday, that’s a funny day for a scan but that’s when I am booked in and then another 2 week wait for the results. I haven’t been trembling so much the last few nights although I still have the dizzy spells and the patchy numbness so one way or another hopefully I will find something out. In the meantime however I have started to doing a bit of light exercise which has started to pick me up a bit. Earlier this year I noticed that when I had been doing strenuous exercise I was feeling quite ill afterwards, I am not sure if this linked to what is going on with me either.
On the up side mind you, I am going for a full body massage later this morning at my local beauty college and they do it at very discounted rates. I went last week just to have a back massage and it was really nice and relaxing so a full body and head is going to be great, can’t wait!! I will let you all know how it goes and promise to come on here and write a bit more often……..
Oh and one more thing, I would like to thank Lisa at https://www.facebook.com/mentalhealthfoundation for supporting my blog and posting links to my fan-page and blog. I have passed the 2000 hit count now and for this, I am very grateful and happy!
Just a pretty sunrise
Happy New Year!
Well it’s New Year’ Day and haven’t been on for some time I’m afraid, busy, busy and buggy buggy. After being so excited about Christmas and do a hell of a lot of running, I got a big of a buy. Nasty sore throat, lots of coughing and generally not feeling well as like many other people at the moment. Christmas day was fine, Santa delivered his stocking in the night and smoked salmon and cream cheese for breakfast, yummy! We opened our presents and lots if nice surprises and then I got on with the cooking. I really went for it, cooked a pheasant for the first time, all the trimmings and it was lovely! Chilled mostly for the rest of the day and then woke up feeling rough on Boxing day. A few days ill which wasn’t great so rested up and did all the right things and starting to feel more human again now.
Last night was different, we stayed in and I cooked, I made rabbit and, which again I’ve never cooked before, it came out great. I really enjoy cooking and put a lot of passion in so I guess tat helps. After dinner we watched TV till midnight and saw the London firework ceremony on the TV. I put the surround sound on and it was great and then I played a remix of Auld Lang Syne on my desktop on my really loud speakers too. We let off some fireworks from the balcony and I set up my Dj Laser which I pointed towards the pub down the road, really fun. Had a little boogie and then time for bed, had a few snacks and was in bed for 1am. In my past life it might have been 1am 24 hours later which is a complete change for me.
Everything had been going great really until this morning, he had one of his usual turns and left my place and headed home. It’s really hard when you care for someone (literally) and in heart when they behave in such a way. I mean it turns out he was upset about me and my laser showing off, he just can’t handles things, it’s a nightmare. So I’ve had a day of peace and because I was fed up I put it to some good use. I made a project for my volunteer work and I am really pleased with the outcome, spent hours on it so it should be good I am busy trying to send the file to my wonderful supervisor and hope she is impressed with my work.
Want to get out training tomorrow, either a run or a very long ride on my bike, can let out some of these feelings at the same time. Fingers crossed I’m feeling up to it as I know just how great it makes me feel. I always have to watch out for my depression as it can come slamming back before I know it. So on that note, gonna chill out, watch Eastender’s, have an early night and hopefully a workout tomorrow
No pain no gain
Well there I went again, off for a run at 06:45 yesterday morning and I managed another 98 minute run. My feet are pretty sore now and I had a blister on the side of my foot which I couldn’t help but burst. Once again this morning my body is aching however the fact that I’m feeling better than I did only a week ago is great. In fact I was flat as a pancake then, where as now I am getting more little burst’s of energy which is really cool. So the question is now whether I am going to run or workout tomorrow, it’s Christmas Eve and I may still be aching. Guess I will have to see how I feel tomorrow and make the decision then, the main thing is I’m getting more focussed. I am lo0king forward to the part when I start to lose pounds, mind you my pyjama’s feel a bit looser so that’s a start
I need to venture out to the shops shortly as I need a few things, with it being 2 days till Christmas I am sure it is going to be chaos. The thing is I remembered I wanted to get some shocking presents for him so that and a few other bits means I would rather get it done today. We didn’t have a great start to yesterday as he was in a bad mood, for some reason he thinks I’m doing something wrong when I’m on the computer. The thing is I am normally doing my volunteer stuff on line, researching, checking mail or writing this and that’s it! So yes I got an ear bashing in the morning which I took out during my run and then we had a few words later. I had to remind him that it’s a few days till Christmas and didn’t want to be miserable. I even said he could open one of his presents if it meant that he was going to behave. I mean sometimes I need to treat him like a child to get the outcome that I need and a lot of time he behave’s like one. I mean I can’t blame him entirely as he has epilepsy and whenever he has a fit, it literally wipes out thousand’s of brain cell’s and trust me has had quite a few! On a positive note however we have lot’s of presents for each other which is something to look forward to and I have one very special one for him. I know he’s not going to believe it when he open’s it although I am going to make a little treasure hunt before hand as it’s the best present. I have written down all the clues and just need 10 minutes to hide them around the flat on Christmas morning and maybe put my Elf outfit on, ha ha!
So yes the most exciting thing is it’s Christmas Eve tomorrow and I can put my new pyjama’s on in the evening. It’s a bit of an old family tradition and we all used to get new nighties and slippers to wear for Christmas. Mum would wrap them up for us and it was like a little early Christmas present for us so I have stuck to this tradition this year in memory of my Mum. xx
Almost there
Well it’s 3 days till Christmas now and I must say that I am getting rather excited for the first time in ages. Everything is sorted from presents to food and I am feeling rather nicely organised. I am feeling a lot better in myself also, guess part of it must be all of this running. Another part is some good news that I may start getting some money for the hard work I’ve been doing over the past ten months which will be great.
Since getting back into the running a friend suggested a charity run so guess what?? I have only gone and signed up for it and in fact it has motivated me all the more. I have already started spreading the word and a few sponsors have already come through which is great news. Going to keep plugging away at it though as I know a lot of people and I am sure I can get a lot more After running for almost 100 minutes on Sunday I needed to give myself a couple of days rest. So after waking up just after 4am this morning it’s time to start thinking about my run today. The thing was it was nice running in the snow on Sunday as it made it rather bouncy. I am not sure what the conditions are going to be like this morning as yesterday the snow was melting so will have to see how it is. It’s really a case of me motivating myself over the next hour or so as it’s bloody freezing and my toes are cold!
Still worried about him, he is still drinking and hasn’t cut down enough in my books, I am hoping he can as his health doesn’t seem too good either. The constant worry that this may be his last Christmas and soon there will be no turning back is such a horrible thought that I don’t like to think about. I am sure he has it in him and he just needs the strength and willpower to tell himself that he wants to carry on living. I am always trying my best for him and I have done as much as I can really and now the case is it’s up to him. I took him to see his worker yesterday and that’s we he also told him, it’s a harsh reality but unless he pulls his socks up then death won’t be too far away. A lot of that does add to my stress and worry so I guess all this running is some sort of a healthy outlet for me.
Yesterday I was buzzing however and actually feeling happy so maybe my statement before was a bit over estimated. I guess I wasn’t in a very great place at the time and filled with a lot of stress, worry and sadness. As I said before, having depression doesn’t help and it can sometimes only make you see tunnel vision and in a direction you just don’t want to go. No matter how hard things get I am a fighter and have been told it many a time before and I must try and remember. For the first time in a few years now I have some really positive things happening and I must remind myself of that. I am starting the second stage of a Personality Disorder Awareness course in January and after that I will be conducting the training myself. I am getting recognition for all my hard work as a volunteer and this will hopefully lead onto bigger and better things too. The fact I no longer work for a company that never recognised or rewarded my my work is a bonus also. The fact that it was on it’s way to tribunal and they made 3 offers and admitted their mistakes against me is a positive outcome too. We are not far from the draw of 2010 and the start of 2011, what looks like to be a great year coming, so I am going to hold onto that thought.
1 week to go!
Well it’s one week till Christmas and finally I am starting to feel a bit better, all the working out must be paying off. So far this week I have done 2 eighty minute runs, mind you the bottom’s of my feet are pretty sore! I was thinking about doing a workout today but then thinking if I have another days rest then tomorrow’s workout may benefit
Finally I have all my Christmas presents sorted, I had to have a last minute dash to the shops yesterday as most of my presents got lost. I wouldn’t mind but I ordered them in November and the stupid courier company managed to lose them. Since they were lost I have been chasing the order and keep being told they are coming. Well that wasn’t till yesterday when I spent about an hour on two phone calls only to find out the replacements hadn’t been sent out! I was fuming, although for some reason I was shouting, swearing or screaming, I was quite calm in fact. So that was it, I got in my car and went to the shops and replaced all the presents and came home and wrapped them all up. Not bad really and now I just have a nice big fat letter of complaint to write as the service I received was terrible.
I have a table full of presents and I am nice and organised, have got food for today so I don’t have to join the shopping madness. I am sure the shops are going to be packed out so thankfully I can concentrate on the housework. I am still quite worried for the one I care for however; as he’s still drinking and needs to cut down. I got up this morning and he had drank more than I wanted him to and I know he will be feeling the effects later. The cold weather just gets to his nerves, that combined with withdrawal’s just makes him shake. I am really worried that he might not even make Christmas and end up in hospital as he has a number of health problems. I do my best to try and help him and it’s only he who can cut down and him only. I have bought him lots of wonderful presents for Christmas and he has for me but the best present for me would be for him to be better.
