Blimey just had a look at my stats and they have suddenly grown dramatically, happy days! I am not sure where they are coming from but I am happy that people out there are reading this. I am finding doing this and the fan page very therapeutic and they are both growing at a nice pace.
I did have my workout yesterday too, so kept my promise, well almost as was meant to do it the day before. Still I did workout for over 80 minutes so I did well and feel better for it today. A few months ago I eased off one of my tablets although the depression and anxiety have slowly managed to creep back. I am however going to try to fight this naturally and see how I go as my doctor has tried me on so many tablets. I am still feeling much better and my life is so much better than it was before. I no longer crave drink and no longer wish to as I now realise what the consequences are. When you use a substance to damp down the way that your feeling then it only makes you feel worse in the end. I mean I still have trouble with my nervous system due to the amount I drank but hey it never says that on the bottle! The sun is shining right now which is nice, this is also something I would hide from when I was feeling down. I would stay indoors with the curtains shut and I would only go out when I needed more drink and that was hard enough in itself.
Yesterday I went out on the balcony and jet-sprayed it down, that was loads of fun and the water kept my feet cool. I walked to the supermarket and got a load of shopping and walked back instead of using the car. I was going to have a BBQ on the balcony but unfortunately it didn’t happen as but that’s another long story. I put up the parasol and bought a wind chime so it’s looking rather nice out there I must say. Hopefully I will have my BBQ out there later today….
Well it’s one week till Christmas and finally I am starting to feel a bit better, all the working out must be paying off. So far this week I have done 2 eighty minute runs, mind you the bottom’s of my feet are pretty sore! I was thinking about doing a workout today but then thinking if I have another days rest then tomorrow’s workout may benefit
Finally I have all my Christmas presents sorted, I had to have a last minute dash to the shops yesterday as most of my presents got lost. I wouldn’t mind but I ordered them in November and the stupid courier company managed to lose them. Since they were lost I have been chasing the order and keep being told they are coming. Well that wasn’t till yesterday when I spent about an hour on two phone calls only to find out the replacements hadn’t been sent out! I was fuming, although for some reason I was shouting, swearing or screaming, I was quite calm in fact. So that was it, I got in my car and went to the shops and replaced all the presents and came home and wrapped them all up. Not bad really and now I just have a nice big fat letter of complaint to write as the service I received was terrible.
I have a table full of presents and I am nice and organised, have got food for today so I don’t have to join the shopping madness. I am sure the shops are going to be packed out so thankfully I can concentrate on the housework. I am still quite worried for the one I care for however; as he’s still drinking and needs to cut down. I got up this morning and he had drank more than I wanted him to and I know he will be feeling the effects later. The cold weather just gets to his nerves, that combined with withdrawal’s just makes him shake. I am really worried that he might not even make Christmas and end up in hospital as he has a number of health problems. I do my best to try and help him and it’s only he who can cut down and him only. I have bought him lots of wonderful presents for Christmas and he has for me but the best present for me would be for him to be better.
For most of my life I have suffered with depression, it’s such a sad and horrible thing. I have not been back to work for over 2 year’s now so the weight has piled on. My old job was very active and I would spend long shifts on my feet and burning lots of calories. Unfortunately they didn’t treat me very well when I became unwell; so only that added to the problems I was having. I have been on anti-depressants for quite some time now also and I am sure that it’s making my weight even heavier. Over the last few weeks I have started exercising hard again and I am hoping to lose some of the weight I have put on. Life is hard enough when your depressed let alone putting on more weight and feeling even worse. Living with the depression has been part of my life now, it’s always there and I am just battling to help it get better.
My doctor told me to increase the dose of my tablets and reluctantly I did and low and behold more pounds decided to pile on, even since doing more work-outs which was making me even more annoyed. I have had enough of taking all these bloody tablets, remembering what to take and when to take it, it’s the bane of my life. Over the year’s the doctor’s have tried me on so many tablets and all have seemed to put weight on me. I am going back to my original dose and upping the exercise, hopefully this should help. I normally get small bursts of happiness when I work out hard so this I should be greatful for.
I saw my counsellor yesterday and she asked me a question, it was when was the last time that I felt really happy? The worst part about it was I sat there and thought about it and wasn’t sure when I actually did! My life at the moment seems to be stuck in limbo and it can be a lonely place when I feel the way I do. The person who I care for can be a total nightmare and is still drinking which really doesn’t help at all. Thankfully he has gone out at the moment so I can sit here and write this without being questioned of what I’m up to. I have thought about times when I think I was happy but they were nights fuelled with alcohol and god knows what ever else! So really those times weren’t really happy times as the happiness was stimulated by something else. So that brings up the question again about being happy, have I ever been or will I ever really be?
At the present time I am in recovery but the only problem is I am caring for someone who is still drinking. It’s really hard for me at times and it puts a huge strain on me. The problem is when someone is drinking around you and you don’t want to drink, you need to be strong and say no. I also have to put up with the constant mood swings, bad tempers and jealously which is perpetuated by the drink. The thing with me is that I don’t give up easily and I really want him to stop drinking and I am trying my best to help. On one hand he can be a really nice person but sadly the drink changes him as it does many other people.
I know he’s trying his best to cut down but the problem is when you are dependant on alcohol it’s easier said than done. First there is the issue of when you cut down it doesn’t alleviate all of the withdrawal symptom’s. Second problem is; when trying to cut down that once you’ve had a taste it’s not always easy to drink slow and you could end up drinking more.
Christmas is coming up and we are hoping to have a nice time, just don’t want the drink to get in the way too much. We have been out buying all the goodie’s and getting the special offer’s before they go. I myself am not particularly good with Christmas and in the past I have got myself in a complete mess over the Christmas period. However having said that I am hoping to make it a nice one this year and am going to try and enjoy it. Quite a few Christmas’s have been so bad that I’ve spent the day alone as I feel so bad and just don’t want to see anyone or do anything. It’s all part and partial of my depression and something I am trying to learn to live with.
So how can someone with depression be a carer you may ask? I ask myself that question sometimes, but I guess the main thing is I’m keeping busy. The time that I spend looking after somebody else then I am not thinking about things or going into a world of my own. Yes it’s very hard at times; especially when I get given such a hard time or a whole load of verbal abuse, it can be very upsetting. I guess it all boils down to the fact that I care for him too and I am hoping he can turn his life around also.
My life is much better than it was two year’s ago, in fact I am surprised I am still alive. I was living in hell and couldn’t seem to get myself out of it, things just got worse and worse. Mind you I did get a lot of help which I am so grateful for and in return and I am doing things to help others. All of this is my journey of recovery and helping others is very rewarding in itself and keeps me busy and out of trouble
I am writing a story about me, being a different person is never easy and then living in a crazy world makes it much harder. A year and a half ago I had a very long assessment and I was diagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder. For year’s and year’s I wondered what was wrong with me, why do I feel this way, then finally I had an answer. As much as it’s not great to have a label I finally had many answers to what was going on. I have the best Psychotherapist and she is the one who seems to understand me. I didn’t think anyone could understand that crazy mind of mine but there she was explaining what goes on with me; magic! During my time of seeing her things were not easy, I mean the assessment to begin with was over 4 or 5 weeks and I had to talk about things I didn’t like talking about. Opening old wounds is never a nice thing so this is where the hard work began. At the time I was dependant on alcohol so some days I never made it to my sessions which made me feel even worse.
When things got me down I would just get into my little bubble and lock myself in there so I felt safe. The only problem was that my bubble really wasn’t that safe as I was damaging myself in the process. I wasn’t getting out of the house and drinking in excess, things would get worse by the day to be honest. My friends and family were so worried about me and I would not answer my phone or just switch it off in the end. I had enough of the outside world so I lived in my own but causing carnage along the way. I am not proud of the fact I have worried my family and friends so much in the past and I still feel terrible for the worry I caused. Everything I was doing was not intentional it was just the way I saw the world around me and how I learned to cope.
During my life I have suffered many trauma’s and this has re-shaped my thoughts and beliefs about the world around me and others. When bad things happen in your life over and over again you start to learn new coping mechanism’s and these can not always be healthy.
So here I was starting my therapy and finding it so hard, talking about things I didn’t like to talk about. Each week was different from one to the other although a lot of this time I was feeling incredibly depressed. I have had depression for most of my life, well the earliest time I remember was at about the age of seven, not good for a child trying to grow up. It’s always been there in some shape or form although at the moment I am battling towards reducing it. The depression also ties in with the alcohol as alcohol is also a depressant so when you drink you think you are blocking it out but after it comes back and bites even harder. In the end it’s a whole big vicious circle of feeling depressed, drinking to feel better, wake up feel more depressed, drink again and so on. The only problem was I had been drinking every day for over a year the first time I tried to stop and my god that was a crazy thing to do!