My first memory was when I was about 3 years old, I remember laying on my Mum’s lap and spilling my orange juice everywhere, I am sure it was just an accident. I was a bit of a wild child and my Dad used to have to bring me home from nursery because I used to play up, I still haven’t found out a reason why I was like that. I know there were some unhappy times when I was at that age but was I young enough to take it in?
As I was growing up my family got a dog and I became very close to him, I used to take him out for walks, we used to go everywhere. One day I was out walking the dog and I tried to walk on a metal railing, I slipped and hit my head on the bar and came home with a lump on my head the size of an egg. I suffered some trauma when I was about 4 years old and I think this started to change the way I behaved. I was a bit of a live wire and would always end getting in trouble somehow.
My first memory of depression was when I was about 7 years old, I remember a feeling of being lost and in my own little world. I found a bubble that I could go into and that was a place where I would feel safe. I have since carried this bubble with me most of my life and it’s serves a purpose whenever I need it. It’s all about ways we find coping mechanisms as we grow up but some of these things can be unhealthy.
I also made a friend when I was about 7 and we used to play out together and always end up in trouble. Not far from where we lived there was a building site, we were always playing on there. We would climb the scaffolding and jump out of the windows into skips full of sand. At that age we weren’t really worried about the risks we would just think it was fun rather the think of the consequences. One day we decided to build a trap over a man-hole they were building. We were using grass to camouflage it and it was so good that my friend fell down it. When I helped him out e had split his head open and he was running all the way home crying with blood pouring down his head, not good! I was slowly getting into more trouble and doing things out of the ordinary, I sometimes climbed out of the upstairs window and ran away. My mum didn’t know what was wrong with me and neither did I at the time, my family were pretty worried about me. My parents would say they were going to put me in a home but this was only a way to try to calm me down rather that really do it. I was quite angry inside but I didn’t know why and this was why I was behaving in the way I was as it was a way that I had learnt to manage.
Blimey just had a look at my stats and they have suddenly grown dramatically, happy days! I am not sure where they are coming from but I am happy that people out there are reading this. I am finding doing this and the fan page very therapeutic and they are both growing at a nice pace.
I did have my workout yesterday too, so kept my promise, well almost as was meant to do it the day before. Still I did workout for over 80 minutes so I did well and feel better for it today. A few months ago I eased off one of my tablets although the depression and anxiety have slowly managed to creep back. I am however going to try to fight this naturally and see how I go as my doctor has tried me on so many tablets. I am still feeling much better and my life is so much better than it was before. I no longer crave drink and no longer wish to as I now realise what the consequences are. When you use a substance to damp down the way that your feeling then it only makes you feel worse in the end. I mean I still have trouble with my nervous system due to the amount I drank but hey it never says that on the bottle! The sun is shining right now which is nice, this is also something I would hide from when I was feeling down. I would stay indoors with the curtains shut and I would only go out when I needed more drink and that was hard enough in itself.
Yesterday I went out on the balcony and jet-sprayed it down, that was loads of fun and the water kept my feet cool. I walked to the supermarket and got a load of shopping and walked back instead of using the car. I was going to have a BBQ on the balcony but unfortunately it didn’t happen as but that’s another long story. I put up the parasol and bought a wind chime so it’s looking rather nice out there I must say. Hopefully I will have my BBQ out there later today….
Today has been a good day for me and I have realised a lot of positive things. I went to see my councillor this morning and we talked a lot about my life and how things are moving. I mean a few weeks ago I was really feeling down and pretty hopeless, now I am feeling much more positive. Somehow I am learning to use all the tools that I got from my therapy and something stops me going back to my old behaviours. I mean if things got hard, the depression was coming then I had an old and unhealthy way of coping. The last few months in general haven’t exactly been easy for me but one thing I have done is fight. For any sufferer reading this then you will know how hard it is but if you put your mind to it you can actually change your ways, there is hope.
I have been working hard on my new page and it’s already paying off, with some influential people joining also. I am hoping to build on the page and it will be a place for people to come, join, support and share. I like focussing on my pages as it keeps me busy and I am doing something positive. I have posted lots of my own pictures on the page and have mastered the art of Facebook, until they change it again, lol.
My legs were still sore today from my workout but hoping to do another in the morning. I have been suffering a bit of anxiety recently so I know that any exercise will help. I have had so many panic attacks over the years that I am learning to manage them too. I actually able to see a future in my life rather than a hole that is swallowing me up with no hope. When I have a craving for a drink in the evening then I just choose to make and hot chocolate instead. I think about all the things I will be able to get done the next day rather than not being able to get up.
I have been a Dj and have played all round the world but that doesn’t really bother me now, I am happy for the simple life. Plus too many fake people out there talking rubbish and making promises they can’t keep. Being a PD sufferer, we are very sensitive so it’s good to have some stability in your life rather than let downs and carnage.
I am starting to feel more comfortable about myself and my life and take each day as it comes. I am still a bit of a stress head, lol, but who wouldn’t be a carer and having a two people’s live’s to run. I am trying to keep as busy as I can so my mind doesn’t go into over drive or thinking of things that will only bring me down. As I said earlier I am looking at working out more which will make my mind more clear. On that note need to get some rest so I don’t have an excuse not to do it in the morning, he he.
Well I am back on track and had my first work out for a while yesterday and I am aching a bit today. Still I know it’s worth it as I will start feeling better again once I get back into the routine of exercise. I have started working on my new project and it’s been keeping me busy, what better than a support network for people with PD. I know there are lots of websites about PD, but nothing on Facebook so far so I think it will be of good use. The only problem is; Facebook keeps changing which makes it slightly harder to get more fans to your page unless you’re the big brand names. Before you could suggest your page and all your friends also, now you can only share, so annoying.
I have spent the last year working on pages as a volunteer and doing this has really helped me a lot. I have kept myself busy going to meetings and researching online to find out what’s going on. I also take part in a meeting at my local DAAT which is the alcohol alliance and get a chance to have my say there also. The more I do the better I feel as it doesn’t allow my mind to run wild and think of all the miserable things happening around me. Take the world for example, the earthquake in Japan and the war in Libya, the more you watch the worse you feel. So only keep an eye on it now rather than watching to see what’s going to happen next if you get my drift?
Today I am going over to visit my sister and fix her computer for her so looking forward to seeing her. I don’t see my sister that often as she a very busy PR lady and lives a fair distance away. I can’t have another workout today as my muscles ache but will make darn sure I do tomorrow….
Well it’s been a while once again since I have come on here for a little chat. Life has been pretty busy the last month so just popping on with an update. The one I look after has been in hospital for almost a week so I had a lot of running around to do, back and forth to the hospital and so on.
I am still doing my voluntary work, plugging away and working on a couple of my own projects also. I guess the kinda all tie in together but they are separate at the moment. I had a few dodgy weeks where I was feeling down and my mood was slipping but luckily things are on the up again. The thing is with depression you really need to look at for the sign’s, if you don’t it can take over and before you know it you are heading towards a black hole. The work I do on-line keeps me nice and busy and obviously looking after someone and two kittens fills my time pretty well.
The good news is I have not had a bad episode for quite some time now so I am really pleased about that. In 2008 / 2009 things were pretty different and at times I just felt like giving up on everything. Not now though, I am happy to be here and living such a nicer and calmer life. I don’ go out much anymore, apart from for nice meals or out for a drive, I am much happier not seeing people who want to wreck their live’s anyway. The good news is slowly the stigma of mental illness seems to be fading and there is a better understanding of it out there. One day I hope it will be totally accepted and be part of the norm as any sufferer will know how hard it is.
I need to get back into exercising also, I have had a couple of injury’s and was unwell for a while so will have to go easy. The thing is; exercise is really good for the mind and when I do it, I feel so much better!
So onwards and upwards as they say……….