Well there I went again, off for a run at 06:45 yesterday morning and I managed another 98 minute run. My feet are pretty sore now and I had a blister on the side of my foot which I couldn’t help but burst. Once again this morning my body is aching however the fact that I’m feeling better than I did only a week ago is great. In fact I was flat as a pancake then, where as now I am getting more little burst’s of energy which is really cool. So the question is now whether I am going to run or workout tomorrow, it’s Christmas Eve and I may still be aching. Guess I will have to see how I feel tomorrow and make the decision then, the main thing is I’m getting more focussed. I am lo0king forward to the part when I start to lose pounds, mind you my pyjama’s feel a bit looser so that’s a start
I need to venture out to the shops shortly as I need a few things, with it being 2 days till Christmas I am sure it is going to be chaos. The thing is I remembered I wanted to get some shocking presents for him so that and a few other bits means I would rather get it done today. We didn’t have a great start to yesterday as he was in a bad mood, for some reason he thinks I’m doing something wrong when I’m on the computer. The thing is I am normally doing my volunteer stuff on line, researching, checking mail or writing this and that’s it! So yes I got an ear bashing in the morning which I took out during my run and then we had a few words later. I had to remind him that it’s a few days till Christmas and didn’t want to be miserable. I even said he could open one of his presents if it meant that he was going to behave. I mean sometimes I need to treat him like a child to get the outcome that I need and a lot of time he behave’s like one. I mean I can’t blame him entirely as he has epilepsy and whenever he has a fit, it literally wipes out thousand’s of brain cell’s and trust me has had quite a few! On a positive note however we have lot’s of presents for each other which is something to look forward to and I have one very special one for him. I know he’s not going to believe it when he open’s it although I am going to make a little treasure hunt before hand as it’s the best present. I have written down all the clues and just need 10 minutes to hide them around the flat on Christmas morning and maybe put my Elf outfit on, ha ha!
So yes the most exciting thing is it’s Christmas Eve tomorrow and I can put my new pyjama’s on in the evening. It’s a bit of an old family tradition and we all used to get new nighties and slippers to wear for Christmas. Mum would wrap them up for us and it was like a little early Christmas present for us so I have stuck to this tradition this year in memory of my Mum. xx
Well it’s 3 days till Christmas now and I must say that I am getting rather excited for the first time in ages. Everything is sorted from presents to food and I am feeling rather nicely organised. I am feeling a lot better in myself also, guess part of it must be all of this running. Another part is some good news that I may start getting some money for the hard work I’ve been doing over the past ten months which will be great.
Since getting back into the running a friend suggested a charity run so guess what?? I have only gone and signed up for it and in fact it has motivated me all the more. I have already started spreading the word and a few sponsors have already come through which is great news. Going to keep plugging away at it though as I know a lot of people and I am sure I can get a lot more After running for almost 100 minutes on Sunday I needed to give myself a couple of days rest. So after waking up just after 4am this morning it’s time to start thinking about my run today. The thing was it was nice running in the snow on Sunday as it made it rather bouncy. I am not sure what the conditions are going to be like this morning as yesterday the snow was melting so will have to see how it is. It’s really a case of me motivating myself over the next hour or so as it’s bloody freezing and my toes are cold!
Still worried about him, he is still drinking and hasn’t cut down enough in my books, I am hoping he can as his health doesn’t seem too good either. The constant worry that this may be his last Christmas and soon there will be no turning back is such a horrible thought that I don’t like to think about. I am sure he has it in him and he just needs the strength and willpower to tell himself that he wants to carry on living. I am always trying my best for him and I have done as much as I can really and now the case is it’s up to him. I took him to see his worker yesterday and that’s we he also told him, it’s a harsh reality but unless he pulls his socks up then death won’t be too far away. A lot of that does add to my stress and worry so I guess all this running is some sort of a healthy outlet for me.
Yesterday I was buzzing however and actually feeling happy so maybe my statement before was a bit over estimated. I guess I wasn’t in a very great place at the time and filled with a lot of stress, worry and sadness. As I said before, having depression doesn’t help and it can sometimes only make you see tunnel vision and in a direction you just don’t want to go. No matter how hard things get I am a fighter and have been told it many a time before and I must try and remember. For the first time in a few years now I have some really positive things happening and I must remind myself of that. I am starting the second stage of a Personality Disorder Awareness course in January and after that I will be conducting the training myself. I am getting recognition for all my hard work as a volunteer and this will hopefully lead onto bigger and better things too. The fact I no longer work for a company that never recognised or rewarded my my work is a bonus also. The fact that it was on it’s way to tribunal and they made 3 offers and admitted their mistakes against me is a positive outcome too. We are not far from the draw of 2010 and the start of 2011, what looks like to be a great year coming, so I am going to hold onto that thought.
Well, well, well, what did we get yesterday? A full blown blizzard… it just came from nowhere and covered the place with snow, such a delight to watch. Good thing was I had already got my shopping so no plans for going out so just concentrated on the housework and then chilled out on the sofa. I had the BBC news channel on most of the day and was watching it all unfold, there was carnage everywhere and I was thankful not to be stuck in it!
I was saving my workout for today as I am starting for see and the feel the rewards, my stomach is even flatter this morning, happy days So just having my morning ritual of two cups of coffee and waiting for the heating to warm me up as it’s freezing this morning. I just had a look at my MP3 and it’s fully charged so can’t use that as an excuse to delay it. I know that once I get out there I am going to enjoy it, especially having some loud music to keep me going. It’s now a minute before 7am and it’s still not light yet, not that encouraging but I am going to try not to put me off. I have got some nice shower proof boots to run in also but reckon I will have to wrap up more. Mind you they said more snow was coming and so far none has fallen over night, time to stop writing and time to get jogging me thinks
Well it’s one week till Christmas and finally I am starting to feel a bit better, all the working out must be paying off. So far this week I have done 2 eighty minute runs, mind you the bottom’s of my feet are pretty sore! I was thinking about doing a workout today but then thinking if I have another days rest then tomorrow’s workout may benefit
Finally I have all my Christmas presents sorted, I had to have a last minute dash to the shops yesterday as most of my presents got lost. I wouldn’t mind but I ordered them in November and the stupid courier company managed to lose them. Since they were lost I have been chasing the order and keep being told they are coming. Well that wasn’t till yesterday when I spent about an hour on two phone calls only to find out the replacements hadn’t been sent out! I was fuming, although for some reason I was shouting, swearing or screaming, I was quite calm in fact. So that was it, I got in my car and went to the shops and replaced all the presents and came home and wrapped them all up. Not bad really and now I just have a nice big fat letter of complaint to write as the service I received was terrible.
I have a table full of presents and I am nice and organised, have got food for today so I don’t have to join the shopping madness. I am sure the shops are going to be packed out so thankfully I can concentrate on the housework. I am still quite worried for the one I care for however; as he’s still drinking and needs to cut down. I got up this morning and he had drank more than I wanted him to and I know he will be feeling the effects later. The cold weather just gets to his nerves, that combined with withdrawal’s just makes him shake. I am really worried that he might not even make Christmas and end up in hospital as he has a number of health problems. I do my best to try and help him and it’s only he who can cut down and him only. I have bought him lots of wonderful presents for Christmas and he has for me but the best present for me would be for him to be better.
For most of my life I have suffered with depression, it’s such a sad and horrible thing. I have not been back to work for over 2 year’s now so the weight has piled on. My old job was very active and I would spend long shifts on my feet and burning lots of calories. Unfortunately they didn’t treat me very well when I became unwell; so only that added to the problems I was having. I have been on anti-depressants for quite some time now also and I am sure that it’s making my weight even heavier. Over the last few weeks I have started exercising hard again and I am hoping to lose some of the weight I have put on. Life is hard enough when your depressed let alone putting on more weight and feeling even worse. Living with the depression has been part of my life now, it’s always there and I am just battling to help it get better.
My doctor told me to increase the dose of my tablets and reluctantly I did and low and behold more pounds decided to pile on, even since doing more work-outs which was making me even more annoyed. I have had enough of taking all these bloody tablets, remembering what to take and when to take it, it’s the bane of my life. Over the year’s the doctor’s have tried me on so many tablets and all have seemed to put weight on me. I am going back to my original dose and upping the exercise, hopefully this should help. I normally get small bursts of happiness when I work out hard so this I should be greatful for.
I saw my counsellor yesterday and she asked me a question, it was when was the last time that I felt really happy? The worst part about it was I sat there and thought about it and wasn’t sure when I actually did! My life at the moment seems to be stuck in limbo and it can be a lonely place when I feel the way I do. The person who I care for can be a total nightmare and is still drinking which really doesn’t help at all. Thankfully he has gone out at the moment so I can sit here and write this without being questioned of what I’m up to. I have thought about times when I think I was happy but they were nights fuelled with alcohol and god knows what ever else! So really those times weren’t really happy times as the happiness was stimulated by something else. So that brings up the question again about being happy, have I ever been or will I ever really be?
At the present time I am in recovery but the only problem is I am caring for someone who is still drinking. It’s really hard for me at times and it puts a huge strain on me. The problem is when someone is drinking around you and you don’t want to drink, you need to be strong and say no. I also have to put up with the constant mood swings, bad tempers and jealously which is perpetuated by the drink. The thing with me is that I don’t give up easily and I really want him to stop drinking and I am trying my best to help. On one hand he can be a really nice person but sadly the drink changes him as it does many other people.
I know he’s trying his best to cut down but the problem is when you are dependant on alcohol it’s easier said than done. First there is the issue of when you cut down it doesn’t alleviate all of the withdrawal symptom’s. Second problem is; when trying to cut down that once you’ve had a taste it’s not always easy to drink slow and you could end up drinking more.
Christmas is coming up and we are hoping to have a nice time, just don’t want the drink to get in the way too much. We have been out buying all the goodie’s and getting the special offer’s before they go. I myself am not particularly good with Christmas and in the past I have got myself in a complete mess over the Christmas period. However having said that I am hoping to make it a nice one this year and am going to try and enjoy it. Quite a few Christmas’s have been so bad that I’ve spent the day alone as I feel so bad and just don’t want to see anyone or do anything. It’s all part and partial of my depression and something I am trying to learn to live with.
So how can someone with depression be a carer you may ask? I ask myself that question sometimes, but I guess the main thing is I’m keeping busy. The time that I spend looking after somebody else then I am not thinking about things or going into a world of my own. Yes it’s very hard at times; especially when I get given such a hard time or a whole load of verbal abuse, it can be very upsetting. I guess it all boils down to the fact that I care for him too and I am hoping he can turn his life around also.
My life is much better than it was two year’s ago, in fact I am surprised I am still alive. I was living in hell and couldn’t seem to get myself out of it, things just got worse and worse. Mind you I did get a lot of help which I am so grateful for and in return and I am doing things to help others. All of this is my journey of recovery and helping others is very rewarding in itself and keeps me busy and out of trouble
I am writing a story about me, being a different person is never easy and then living in a crazy world makes it much harder. A year and a half ago I had a very long assessment and I was diagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder. For year’s and year’s I wondered what was wrong with me, why do I feel this way, then finally I had an answer. As much as it’s not great to have a label I finally had many answers to what was going on. I have the best Psychotherapist and she is the one who seems to understand me. I didn’t think anyone could understand that crazy mind of mine but there she was explaining what goes on with me; magic! During my time of seeing her things were not easy, I mean the assessment to begin with was over 4 or 5 weeks and I had to talk about things I didn’t like talking about. Opening old wounds is never a nice thing so this is where the hard work began. At the time I was dependant on alcohol so some days I never made it to my sessions which made me feel even worse.
When things got me down I would just get into my little bubble and lock myself in there so I felt safe. The only problem was that my bubble really wasn’t that safe as I was damaging myself in the process. I wasn’t getting out of the house and drinking in excess, things would get worse by the day to be honest. My friends and family were so worried about me and I would not answer my phone or just switch it off in the end. I had enough of the outside world so I lived in my own but causing carnage along the way. I am not proud of the fact I have worried my family and friends so much in the past and I still feel terrible for the worry I caused. Everything I was doing was not intentional it was just the way I saw the world around me and how I learned to cope.
During my life I have suffered many trauma’s and this has re-shaped my thoughts and beliefs about the world around me and others. When bad things happen in your life over and over again you start to learn new coping mechanism’s and these can not always be healthy.
So here I was starting my therapy and finding it so hard, talking about things I didn’t like to talk about. Each week was different from one to the other although a lot of this time I was feeling incredibly depressed. I have had depression for most of my life, well the earliest time I remember was at about the age of seven, not good for a child trying to grow up. It’s always been there in some shape or form although at the moment I am battling towards reducing it. The depression also ties in with the alcohol as alcohol is also a depressant so when you drink you think you are blocking it out but after it comes back and bites even harder. In the end it’s a whole big vicious circle of feeling depressed, drinking to feel better, wake up feel more depressed, drink again and so on. The only problem was I had been drinking every day for over a year the first time I tried to stop and my god that was a crazy thing to do!
Welcome to my world, I will let you in little by little but hey I have a lot to talk about